Dear Porthos,

My incredibly derpy beagle. You were given the namesake after Captain Archer’s beagle in the Star Trek Enterprise series. However, his beagle was chill and obedient. Getting you to sit while you are having one of your ADHD moments is near impossible. I mean, we have had you in our lives now for six months and at times I still don’t think you know your name. We have had Kiki for two weeks and she already knows hers. Are pugs smarter than beagles? It cracks me up that you respond better to Poopos. Teaching you to walk on my left and right beside me has been killer on my back and hips because heaven forbid there be a “SQUIRREL!”. 

You’re lucky you’re cute and have moments of silliness that brings delightful giggles from us.  When you get the zoomies and leave me straightening the rugs 52.943% of the day, I don’t mind because your spastic hopping as you play with your ball is too cute. I wonder if this is how John Grogan felt when it came to Marley? Like he knew he had a holy terror, but also a loving companion. You were supposed to be a daddy’s boy, but instead you are a mama’s boy. Geez, if I walk outside to clean the patio area you go back and forth between the back door and bedroom window howling like you just sustained injuries fighting off a wild boar. After thirty minutes of you dying you then decide to give some payback. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you can drag it out of your doggy door and shred it to bits in the backyard. I’ve lost my rubber mallet, a sack of potatoes, a bag of tortilla chips, Amazon boxes… merchandise still inside, both now destroyed, my Apple watch bands, rugs, a flip flop, you even destroyed your own plastic water bowl. You have no idea how lucky you are, I have wanted to beat you, give you away, sell you on the black market. Instead, I show you the crime scene, call you a bad dog and a “little A-Hole” and proceed to clean up whatever inanimate object has been murdered. At least I know I will receive respite after you have had a good thirty minutes of great balls of fire, let’s party like it’s 1999 before you need an hour long nap to recharge. 

Can I just say, even your naps are hilarious. You’re a contortionist. Sleeping on your back with your head bent to your ribs, paws in all different directions and your butt practically touching the top of your head. There is no way we can’t take a picture and send it to the kids so they too can get a laugh. Then there is your face, you have the most handsome face I have yet to see on a beagle. It requires camera action as well. Your head tilts and that sometimes derpy, blank stare are all Kodak moments. I love you, my funtastically dumb, loving dog. 

Sincerely,

Rambling Roxy